I’m sitting in my sons nursery, currently holding him while he sleeps. He turned one today! My baby is one.
I’m feeling all sorts of emotions as we plan on him being our last. I’m feeling so excited to see him continue to grow. I know from my older two how much fun this second year is. I’m also feeling extremely sad that my infant days are behind me. You may hear me say during my visits with you that “you can feel both things” when we’re working through the emotions of your situation. When you become a parent your feelings are just…more.
I’m also thinking about you…the new mom, the new dad, the new parent. I’m thinking about what I see when I come to your home and all of the things I want to tell you in the hour or two I’m there, but fear I’ll overwhelm you.
I see myself in you. Do I tell you that? Because it’s true. I remember well the tired that makes you feel like you’re in a fog. I remember the worry over whether my baby is eating enough, or if I’m doing this right, or why it hurts to feed him. I remember crying on a dime. And when you cry you may notice I choke up and hold my tears back… or maybe I cry along with you. It’s because I see you. I may have just met you, but I see you.
I see the love you have for your baby. I see the way you’ll move mountains to make sure you’re doing all you can, doing the best you can, and making the right decisions. You’ll apologize that you haven’t showered, or cleaned, and I’ll tell you that you look great and the house is beautiful. It’s because it’s true.
What you think I’m seeing when I come to you is not what I’m seeing. I don’t see dishes in the sink. I’m glad you ate. I don’t see a discarded onesie. I see a baby who was lovingly changed into clean clothes. I don’t see tired parents. I see parents who love their baby so much they wake up at all hours to make sure they’re okay.
I want to tell you all of this when I come to your home, and I usually say some abbreviated version of it, but it’s the what comes next I want to prepare you for. I’ll tell you how my mom always said the days are long but the weeks are short, yet I don’t want to invalidate how hard those weeks are. I want to tell you how this tough phase will pass, and pretty soon you’ll look down at this baby who you’re still trying to figure out and suddenly notice they just smiled at you. No…like a REAL smile..and then you’ll fall in love all over again.
I want to tell you that soon your worry over how often they want to nurse, or how long they want to nurse, will quickly change to how distracted they are by the things around them that you can’t convince them to nurse! I want to tell you how beautiful it will be to watch them emerge and show their personality. Getting to know your child is the most incredible adventure.
See, we’re designed to worry, right? There is a certain level of anxious we HAVE to maintain in order to be cautious, and caring, and attentive to our child’s changing needs. I want you to know you’re doing great. Even if it feels messy, and clumsy, and like you just took a huge scary jump into the unknown…you’re still doing great.
In the quiet nights when you’re nursing your sleeping baby, remember how long ago those first nights feel. Or maybe you’re still in them and the night I’m having right now-the night of their first birthday-seems so far away. Take inventory of this moment. Think about where you are in your journey. Right now is the only moment you have to worry about. Because let me tell you… as much as I dreamed of this little boy, as hard as I prayed he would come true, I could have never imagined exactly who he is. He’s so much more. The journey you have ahead of you isn’t one you can plan for. You’re on this path right alongside your baby. You’ll work together at overcoming whatever is stressing you today, and when you reach the night of the first birthday you’ll look back realize what a fantastic team you’ve made. You’ll look back and realize how damn fast it went. You’ll think about all of the things you wish you could’ve have said to the you one year ago.
So what would I say to the me one year ago? He’s perfect. He’s going to light up our home in a way you can’t imagine. You’ll figure out nursing, and he’ll sleep like a baby should, and you’ll ebb and flow through the phases. You’ll get through the first year and wonder how the world ever existed without him in it. Ride out the tough days, the days when you feel like there’s not enough of you to go around, and be prepared because there will be plenty. Speak up when you need help, when you need space, when you need a break. You won’t do anyone any favors by doing it all to the point of burning out. Say no when it doesn’t serve you. Say no when there’s no room on your plate. Say yes to slowing down when you need to, or want to, and soak this year in. You’re doing great.
Archer, you are truly meant to be. We fought for you, baby boy. I wasn’t sure how much more I had in me. I said one more try. We’ll try one more time to have a baby. And here you are. You have healed my heart and completed our family in the most amazing way. Your smile is contagious. Your hugs and kisses are the most incredibly aggressive hugs and kisses… but hey, you have a lot of love to give. I am so blessed to be your mom. Thank you God for choosing me. What a joy this first year has been. Happy Birthday, Archer. I love you!
